Bila bercakap pasal hati..lagi senang kalau dapat bercakap sorang-sorang..daripada tulis dalam blog. But I have no one to turn to for now. So I guess here would be very easy and I am pretty much sure, si dia tu takkan baca laa blog ni...confirm punya!..But kalau dia baca..hopefully we have the same wavelength..and he pick up the phone and call...because it's too painful to keep his number for now. Let us just say..I deleted his number so I wont be able to call him or text him...so I can keep myself distance from each other. Better kan...knowing my luck - susah nya nak dapat orang yang saya suka...in most cases..by the time I know a person likes me...it is too late..:-). Ah..jodoh...lambat sikit..takpelah..La Tahzan..Innallaha Maa'na.
I have butterflies in my stomach every time I mention his name, look at his pictures, get his texts, or talking to him on the phone....was it love...? Or was it a girlie stuff that I fail to understand until now. Since when? Since after a long hari raya break in 2012l..
I remember this guy very much because when I broke up in 2010, dia ada bertanya ala kadar on what makes me change...what makes me put on my hijab.....and I told him about my break up. He gave me some advice on how to handle the issue and I appreciate it. But that's all.Masa tu takde apa2 perasaan pun...just feel like he is a good friend. Cuma nak cakap....orang ini agak kacak...tinggi...tapi yang buat saya suka dia..bukan sebab rupa..tapi sebab kebaikan yang ada padanya. ...kita mana boleh dapat 100% yang kita nak...kalau dapat 50% pun dah cukup bagus...
Some of our mutual friends told me that he likes me...tapi tulah..saya tak pernah tahu if someone suka saya atau tidak. You see..I have disadvantage interms of my look. I feel confident about stuff sometimes but I have no confident if my looks would attract any guy... Masa kecil orang selalu compare me and my siblings, especially with my sister. She looks nicer...more attractive...I am in the other hand...just a plain Jane...takde kelebihan apa-apa. Maybe lebih isi..lebih lemak. Rupa yang kurenggg ni buat saya lebih jadi senyap bila jumpa orang baru..Once they get to know me..only they started seeing a different side of myself.....most people complaint macam tu....hehehe..entah betul entah tidak..tapi saya bukan laa pemalu gilerr..malu-malu kucing giteww..Okay...sambung balik cerita......
We work in the same block before So in 2011, he quit his job and move to new place. So we seldom met....sebenarnya lebih pada tak jumpa langsung lepas dia resign...cuma we connect through Facebook...ada laa dia komen-komen my posts and pics...but I have never really pay close attention. Once in a while we say hello to each other dalam YM....and there was one time I feel flattered when he called when I told him about the guy I admired - well..that was a long story - not related at all. What happened was, I posted status dalam FB pasal budak tu..and he somehow commented on the status..pastu when I replied...and after few text messages, he called..penat menaip katanya.....only if I can tell him that I appreciate his call...:-) Thank You yer sayang...hik hik gedik nyer aku!
After Aidilfitri's break in 2012 - somewhere early September, I had second interview somewhere nearby his workplace. Interview pagi....and saya shift petang...so ada masa sikit before I went to work. So we had lunch together. During the lunch, I can felt his warm smile and I remember he told me that I look different..okay..I can sense he is telling me that I loose like 2kgs..hik hik..haih..gediks...There were moment when our hands touch..I felt my blood are running from toe to head and back to my toe again...superb feeling. Somehow..I noticed he was taking a shot of my pics/videos..no idea..but maybe saya jer perasan kut..so when I am done lunching with him..I keep telling myself, "hello miss...ko tu kuat betul perasan eh".....What do I like about him..:-) No idea..but he let me be who I am...I can laugh, smile or talk anything..I can be myself in front of him..I don't have to pretend to be someone that I am not...and I don't see he mind the way I behave or act...Sometime I hate myself if I could not be spontaneous infront of person I like...:-(. Indeed I can!
In 2012, I can tell I've been seeing him three time...because most of the times, my best friend stays around Jalan Ipoh...so often I asked him out...Want to know why I ask him out? Because our mutual friend told me that he likes me..(maybe as a friend..and I took it on different turn)..but I give my best shot of trying and have no regrets. Atleast I tried and found out myself....but yes, I do enjoyed the meetings...saya perasan dating..hik hik..ingat lepas tu boleh ajak tengok wayang...rupa-rupanya tak kesampaian...tak kisahlah..(Errr..kisah sebenarnya tapi saja cakap macam tu bagi hati tu sedap..tak ler sedih sangat)
2013, I don't see him anymore. November 2012 was the last time I saw him..I don't know what went wrong - although I can figure out why. I think he knows I like him. So...I become panic and start being hostile to him. That is my biggest weaknesses - I don't know how to cover up! Cisss...and I saw him start using the words "Aku" and "Kau" which I normally use to only people I am close to. I would have never use it to someone I am not close with - or someone I really like.So saya start laaa tembak dia balik bila dia comment dalam FB guna "Aku", "Kau"...
Later, up to these days...he stop sharing his pictures and photos..but at least he still keeps me as his friend. God knows when he will block/un-friend me. But I guess I have to be prepared ...I guess he knows I am looking at his pictures. Trust me..I mean it well. I look at his pictures only when I miss him...kalau dia nak cakap saya stalker..he has all the rights but I never did anything with the picture..just admiring and he really take a good pictures...a good photographer himself.
If he is reading this..I only wanted him to know how sorry I am with the way I behave...sorry tak sengaja. But I understand and I accept he blocks me or stops sharing his photo. Truly understood why he did it so. I have nothing much to say except sorry and thank you for making my days...I hope you know who you are...I always believe if we are meant for each other, no matter how far apart we are..no matter what barriers are blocking, loves overcome everything. Except in my case, it is hopeless. Am I mad or sad? Emm.....not really, it just that I have been treated like that all my life by person who has never care about my existence...so I am okay kut. In most cases, orang tak pernah perasan pun saya wujud di alam maya pada ini..but sooner after they get to know me, orang akan cakap (Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Allah kerana dengan limpah kurniaNya, I am what I am now...) saya seorang kawan yang baik dan suka tolong orang...(Thank you to my late Mum - Alfatihah who always told me that life is about making choices...so make a wise one), I need to hear this from her again. Just because my days are full of nasty stuff, does not mean I should be mean to others, right? Thank you Mama..I miss you..and I will always remember that everytime I feel down and when I feel nothing in this world is working. Allah kan ada, Mama :-)
To you who has stolen my heart - Yes, I am lonely without my mum. You've asked me before...It's not easy to live without Mum. I am also not dating anyone...because I have my heart sets for you. You wouldn't know that, right? Ni ucapan budak-budak kalau orang tak nak kawan..tapi gasaklah..nak post jugak.....I won't bug around your life anymore..I've decided to leave you be - as long as it keeps you happy....there were so many girls around you..pick one who you think suits you, physically and mentally...whoever dates you, will be very happy because when I talk to you..I can talk anything under the moon and sun. That is how good chatter you are. I had my moment...:-) I love to go out with you again...but I don't see that would ever happen from now. Last but not least, as I have always told you...I hope Allah SWT akan memberi hidayah pada kamu yang saya sayang...atleast, if we are not together..I want to see you live and die as a Muslim. I would never have a chance to say this - so I like you, a lot. Confirm laaa dia tak baca..hik hik
I will be missing you, Sayang.....Take care and Happy Birthday on every 4th October..
Buat Yang Terluka Hatinya..............
Dari Hati Yang Ikhlas (Kalau ikhlas mana bleh tulis cam tu maaarrrr)
Saya yang sukakan awak....
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